kw's pov

Semester 2 2006 was the worst semester I ever had, academic-wise and life-wise. I never felt less motivated to study. There seem to be no point for me in studying hard. The papers I did was: Business Psychology, Social Psychology, 300-level Ethics, 100-level ethics. The former was the worst paper in the world. Boring course materials, extremely boring lectures, but worst, is learning nothing from it. Social Psych, although my favorite division of psyc, was mainly a repeat of what I learnt from my first two years of study. It seems I had studied all there is to social psych (dissapointingly). The other two philosophy papers were all right.

Easiest philosophy papers I ever done. We studied theories that claim they have the answer of what and why some actions are right or wrong. Quite interesting only.

Anyway, the best thing that happened this semester was buying a new digital camera (Canon S3 IS). My most valuable asset! Taking photos is actually more fun than I thought. There's seem so much there is to learn. It's an art!

The worst thing that happened was having my bag with my wallet, cellphone, files stolen. Cannot believe someone would be so brave to take my bag while I was on my desk. Worst thing is not learning to take care of my belongings and have my earphones and memory card left at the computer lab and found it to be missing the next day. All these has left me feel so much more worser and make me 'epiphanise' a few important things:
1. My rosy picture of Dunedin as a safe place is wrong. I think Dunedin is no longer as safe as before (before: my lost wallet being returned.. twice! now: wallet stolen).
2. Life is unpredictable and there is only so many things that I can do determine my fate, destiny, future outcomes, blah blah. From Prison Break (the best series made in the 21st century so far): "Preparation can only take you so far, after that, you gotta take a few leaps of faith." Come to think of it, having limited control of my life is pretty scary and makes me wonder about freewill-like "do we really have a choice?". Still need more thinking to be clear about my doubts of freewill.
3. I dislike strangers and people I hardly know more. I think it will be harder for me to trust them.

Besides all that, feel life has nothing much to offer me. Everything seem boring and normal. I doubt whether living a normal life (working, enjoying, dating, marrying, kids, die) is the best or most satisfying life for me. Overall, I want and expect too much from life and nothing is able to make me content with life.

Am also scared of the speed of time. Have thought about the ineveitable: when my parents die. I bet almost everyone would need to face that. The depressing thought of it really makes me scared and I wonder who's the 'luckier' one: the one dying or the one griefing. This has made me a bit avoidant of any intimate relationships since I would hate others to suffer when I die. Maybe it is best for me to die after my loved ones. (hopefully, "out of sight, out of mind" truly works).

All in all, the things that happened, the thoughts I have had me think I might be having a minor-depression or an age crisis thing. I think a lack of exercise might be partly causing it!

Had been wondering the point of blogging. Besides being transparent, socialising, keeping in touch, there's actually some other good reasons to do so. Based on http://mentalhelp.net/common/tools/externalpage/extpage.php?url=/psyhelp, it is pleasurable,self-soothing, self-esteem. Overall, good for mental health and live longer (?)!

Besides, it says it's a good self monitoring tool. More reason to keep a blog! Anyway, I do feel a tad better now!~

PS. Just to be clear to whoever is reading this, I'm not asking for emotional support or empathies! Also, this is NOT a sign of suicide!

I'm 21 years old!
My thoughts of being 21/older/my life..... Wonder how much have I changed since young? So much has changed!

I have understand heaps more about myself. One of the things I realised about myself is how I lust for attention, love, sex. Sometimes acting to be likeable, gossiping, deceiving, telling people wat they want to hear, fake smile/laugh....
I feel pathetic.

The fantasies I have are not as innocent as before. Been trying to 'diagnose' and understand those perverted thoughts instead of putting it out of my mind. Hope someday to be 'enlightened'!! Also have to beware whenever I justify myself.

I have seem to have less faith in love and friendships. I used to romanticise those two relationships-- after living in the 'real world', I figured many things and people are not as 'perfect' as I thought. I'm pretty much a cynic now.

Also realised how hard I try to be normal. Always blindly following what other ppl do. Never thought of the meaning of buying cakes on bday, making bday wish, giving gifts.... seems like a ritual to me.

I don't know why, but the older I get, the faster time seems to past (more neurons dying?). When I was in my high school years, everyday seem longer compared to the everyday now. I heard from a friend before he left saying his stay in Dunedin for 2 years seem like a dream. I'm starting to have the same feeling now! Not a very pleasant feeling... felt a sense unaccomplishment and somehow wasted my youth. Will I feel the same when I'm like 70 years old?

Another con of growing up and able to think and reason better, is feeling how stupid my actions of times before. Another unpleasant feeling.
I'm also harder to be satisfied as I'm older. It used to take so little to feel satisfied. An example is when I was a kid, I used to like all sorts of crap movies. In high school, all that made me be very happy was just hanging out with friends-loitering around, cybercafe-ing, bowling, or simply just talking on the phone.
Now I think that wouldn't suffice and I just want more to be happy.

That means for me there is a positive correlation of age and negative feelings.Know I know why people say 'ignorance is bliss'. Saying this, I wonder if I had a choice of knowing the ugly truth or living in a beautiful lie- which would I rather have?

In a nutshell, I really have to say I had such a good life. A life filled with many many interesting experiences (esp socially) and many changes in my thinking. Also a very fortunate life-- never experience trauma, sickness, war, poverty, death of a loved one... yet (wonder how will I handle this inevetible event)...

Really wonder how my journey will be, who will I be, who I will be with, how the world would be.... Hope it will be wonderful. Wish I could travel through time! I guess that's my bday wish..!

SHEESH! I so wanted to post a post yesterday (06/06/06).
Procastinated. Cis! I never learn.

Anyway, it's winter now. And Semester 1 has ended unofficially.
It's exam period now. Studywise, had a goodstart early sem, but was in total slackness not long after. Addicted to immediate gratification in computer games and movies. In TIME mag, they say that teens seek immediate gratification rather than long term benefits becoz the prefrontal cortex (part where we make judgments) is still developing. Aha! my justification for being lazy and doing stupid stuff.

So, winter...

Pro: Sleep better coz it's cold. How I wish to hibernate all the way!
There's a chance it will snow. It's not cold when it happens. And it is soo beautiful. It's a different place when it snows.
Snow cap mountains!
No sweat.
I appreciate all the warmth I'm able to have.

Con: Waking up early to the chilly temperature is the biggest challlenge of the day for me.
It can be frrrrezingly cold.
Flowers and leaves all dropped. Ugly.
Frost. Slippery.
No polar bears, penguins -like in the movies.
It already dark (& cold) .... before 6pm!

Anyway, the dramatic weather changes in Dunedin makes the place a tad more interestin. I used to think it's boring when talkin about the weather (which the locals often do) is boring.

Overall, this semester has been the most boring of all semester ever in Dunedin. Less interesing happenings, less interesting papers this sem (can't wait to study Social Psych at Sem 2). A lot of interesting people had already left.

Dunedin is DULL!

One of the main highlights however, was having my first dance class ever. Never ever danced. Joined a Bollywood dance class early this semester. The most striking moments was we had to perform in Octagon (!!), which is the Time Square of Dunedin.
Simply unforgettable. The dance was screwed up in some parts but we gained many positive comments. Phew! Overall, it was oh so cool...I never knew dancing could be so challenging and SUPER enjoyable. Hope to learn other dances too.

Besides dancing, have dropped Spanish but am self learning at my own sweet pace. My flatmates always there to correct and teach me.
Now I plan to improve my Spanish and go to Spanish countries to show off my skills!!

Am having an identity crisis. Not sure what I am (adult? What makes an adult?), what to do with my life.

I have made a big decision. I'm planning to be a chef/cook/kitchenhand. Thus, next year I will be studyin basic cookery in Polytechnic (I'm finishing my Psychology degree this year). What I want to do in life-- I really want to explore
the world. Spend around a year in another culture and absorb it. Then move to another culture and repeat. I think having a cooking certificate would certainly help me work in many places. That's the plan so far. Am planning to study cooking at Cromwell (much smaller town) next year. Changin an environment would certainly make life more interesting and improve my adapting skills.

This blog? I'll just update once a while. Perhaps 4 times a year.

I did a Human Nutriton paper during Summer School.
Summer this year was hot! So enjoyed the warmth and the late sunsets.
Anyway, I've had so much fun doing this paper.
What this paper taught me:

1. I've become a tad more health concious of my diet by tryin to eat more fruits and veges.
2. I'm startin to use Olive Oil in cookin.
3. I learn how to read food labels when buyin stuff.
4. How to be critical of what mags, news, say about what food is good because many of them are not based on sound research.
5. I've finally tasted 'muscle-building' powder drinks, and ...eww, it's not good at all.
I've also found it's not cheap to eat healthy (which explains why poor ppl are fatter), eg. plant sterol (reduces cholesterol) margerines cost $7!
And it's oh so hard to resist the temptations of fried chicken, French fries, chocolates, chips.....

Summer has ended overnight. It became suddenly cold and rainy since a few days ago. Some tress are shredding their leaves as well.
My life this yr vs last yr? Have spent much much less time watchin TV since I hv no SKY and I don't go home as often for it's further from uni.
I'm also more 'richer' since my rent is only $55 per week. The house is pretty good, although small, but similar in size to the room I had in 2004.
The best part of the house is the 3 cool Chilean dudes I'm living with. They are very friendly, sporting, fun, and ... cool! It's so nice feeling comfortable with flatmates. People say no matter how bad the house sucks, it wouldn't matter if you're living with superb ppl. I totally agree. I wouldn't trade a better house for worse flatmates. I'm even takin a "Intro to Spanish" paper this Sem just to socialise with them. They are very willing to teach me their language. But it is hard.
By the way, I'm taking 3 Psycho papers, ie. "Quantitative Methods" (lotsa stats, oh boy), "Developmental Psychology", and "Forensic & Applied Psych". Am lookin forward to the latter two. Another paper I'm taking is "Gender & Media" (since I learnt quite a lot on my previous GEND paper). I have also been going to numerous lectures for free.

Although not watching much TV programs this year, I have been renting tons of movies from the video store (since it's $1/DVD on Mon). Been starting to get myself into the online auction fad. The thing I most look forward to this year? World Cup! I just can't wait!

Am starting to lose interest in blogging. Also haven't visit my friends' blogs for a very long time. Unsure whether to keep this blog or not.

My 2005 in review:
A. The most noticeable event to me is taking this gender paper. Was very intimated for being the minority in the class. Have learn so so much.Learnt words like: patriachy, emancipation, empowerment, objectification, patronise & Stuff like: "helping women- Respectin women (seein women eye to eye)? or protectin women (seein women as less capable/ needy of help)?"
It really made me think: By helping women more than men, am i respectin/protectin. I found I actually thought women as less capable than men and men are 'suppposed'/'borned' to help women. I was so sucked into this idea. And I think many women think men should help them more/give special treatment (not lettin women do labourous tasks, not lettin women wait for men, men should pay the bills, blah blah).

Perhaps that's because of their natural weaker body, but by thinkin so wouldn't this make them evermore dependant on men? By being dependant, they would hardly be able to strengthen their body. However, there are a few women I met in life which I truly respect that don't need anyone & strong. Btw, I think Chinese girls are more dependant than Western women.

In this course, I realised how hard it is to be an independant women in the old days before feminists' movements. So sad that women almost in almost every culture are considered as inferior/2nd class to men and their POV are considered laughable. Besides that, learnt tat the Bible- written in a patriachal society-, mentions few heroine & prophetess compared to the male counterpart, and many females are left unamed.

Fortunately women are startin to be seen as equals to men since the 1900s. But there are still subtle traces of the idea that women are inferior and are men's property. eg: openin doors for women/treatin women 'softly' are considered as manners which men should follow; the marriage ceremony where the bride's father has to 'hand over' her daughter to the bridegroom.

Overall, I think the world has been very unfair to females.

B. Besides studies, I made a new friend. Now I realise how hard it is to communicate with someone who doesn't speak my language. Research says that in communication, words only consist of 7%; 38% from tonality; 55% from body language. I don't believe in this stats.

C. People close to me have not left this year, which is a good thing.

D. Changes in 2005 was less dramatic than 2004 and before. I hope it'll be more interestin this year. As my friend mentioned, time flies faster the older I get. So true...

2006.
Will be the year to get a Psyc degree.
Now livin with a superb flatmate. He's from Chile.
Livin in one of the cheapest flat in town. Only $55 per week.
I can't wait till sem1 starts.

Today is CNY eve! There will be a celebration with fireworks thanks to the Dunedin mayor, a chinese. It will be held in Octagon, the Time Square of Dunedin.

What is the different between sex and rape? From wat I remember & from wat i read, the difference is CONTROL. Sex- we hv ctrl, Rape- only rapist hv. Wikipedia cited that men and women have rape fantasy, but they actually want to hv control of the ‘rape’- able to stop when they want.

This is from http://www.aaets.org/arts/art13.htm (super informative site):
Rape Prevalence
* One in four women surveyed was victim of rape or attempted rape.
* An additional one in four women surveyed was touched sexually against her will
or was victim of sexual coercion.
* 84 percent of those raped knew their attacker.
* 57 percent of those rapes happened while on dates.
* One in twelve male students surveyed had committed acts that met the legal
definitions of rape or attempted rape.
* 84 percent of those men who committed rape said that what they did was
definitely not rape.
* Sixteen percent of the male students who committed rape and ten percent of those
who attempted a rape took part in episodes involving more than one attacker.

Responses of the Victim

* Only 27 percent of those women whose sexual assault met the legal definition of
rape thought of themselves as rape victims.
* 42 percent of the rape victims did not tell anyone about their assaults.
* Only five percent of the rape victims reported the crime to the police.
* Only five percent of the rape victims sought help at rape-crisis centers.
* Whether they had acknowledged their experience as a rape or not, thirty percent
of the women identified as rape victims contemplated suicide after the incident.
* 82 percent of the victims said that the experience had permanently changed them.

It also says : ".....clear physical resistance was a requirement for a rape conviction in California." But, this is no longer the case.


I saw Mad Max 2. There was a scene where a woman was raped. The men was stronger and had a weapon. The woman- defenceless. The woman just laid there, conscious but not moving. The woman was killed after the man finished raping.
I know this is just a movie. But after reading 2 articles in my Gend paper, this is exactly how many real rapes are.

*The below is almost all based on the 2 articles and my GEND tutorial group (who are so smart!). There was more to rape than i thought. This is a taste of wat I learn in my 'Gender:Intro to Feminist Theory' paper.*

Women have always been fearful of rape. Parents give restriction to a girl's movement ("don't go out so often, stay at home"). They have been taught that the outside world is where ppl are always raped. I do agree tat women face more dangers than men coz they are rape targets and also 'the weaker sex'. Since women are so scared of being rape, going out at 2am seem suicide to them (i'm so lucky to be male!). The key word here is 'scared'.

What happens in a rape?
Besides surprise attacks, drugging, etc. some rapist actually talks to u. They might threatened u or talk friendly.
Many cases of victims do not resist or fight rapist, they 'freeze'. She thinks "if I fight back, he will hurt me more". She has already been defeated by herself. It was found that rapist become more violent when the woman was passive. It reinforces the rapist belief they have the control and power over the women. But when women aggressively resist and fought back, it actually works. This makes the rapist feel as if he has lost control of the situation, thus fearing the victim instead.

Why do victims freeze/extremely fearful?
Men and women think the penis is super powerful & 'immortal', making women ever fearful of the penis. But is it? It's actually men's 'Achilles’ heel'. However men build up their body to become 'impenetrable', the penis remains fragile still, especially when erected. Isn't the vagina stronger than the penis? (The Gerai tribe in Borneo actually thinks so. Rape did not exist there). The penis is so vulnerable especially when it's erected. There was one case when a woman (weaker than the rapist) grabbed the rapist's penis "to pull it off the socket", while the rapist punch her head. His penis becomes no longer erected and he ran away. She was injured but not raped.

Women have been underestimating their potential to be aggressive. I do not think women are born to be not aggressive. They can be just as aggressive as men. Men aggressive becoz of testosterone? Maybe, but it's not tat vital to be aggressive. It's society. Men are aggressive becoz that's what makes them 'the man' and part of being macho; while girls are punished by parents and everyone else for being aggressive ("why u acted so rude?"). For men, we are encouraged to be aggressive. It seems to be what a man should do and makes us one. Ppl had asked me to be aggressive. My secondary sch, friends (boys) arm wrestle with each other. Gangs fight with each other. It makes them 'man'. I think this mentality (aggressive=man) trains men to be rapist. I learnt this from the article I read which had an example of male prison rape. The aggressive rapist is known to be masculine, while the victim is seen as feminine.
I've seen countless times in movie when the husband start being violent and the wife just run around, or just remain there being beaten up, crying and stuff. What's so scary with that man? The husband was no 10ft bodybuilder. Why doesn’t that woman just fight back? I think it's not the body strength difference which stop her from retaliating, but it's like "I shouldn't fight my husband, it's a crime/sin/not right" an taught not to do that ('i have to submit to husband. Husband always right'). Metaphorically, they don’t have ‘resist husband/fight back program/aggression’ installed. Who sets the law that women can't fight?
Of cos, I hv seen many good husband who respects wives.

My lecturer: Story of a woman home alone. Saw a man climb over fence. She became so angry and aggressive (& no doubt scared) she confronted the rapist yelling and throwing stuff at him. He became so scared he ran away. But she fainted afterwards. It really shows the aggression hidden inside becoz of social pressure. Female animals are super aggressive when their children are attacked. Therefore, women are aggressive. They don't show it becoz society condemns it. Women also think that being aggressive makes them no longer feminine any more.
There are also cases where I heard that a women suddenly having enormous strength lifting sth up to save their children. Divine intervention? Probably. But I think if there is a god, He/She/It/Indescribable will help and gift those who try. It seems improbable to me that a god will miraculously elevate the piece of concrete when u just stand there. Thus, when women are being raped, they think "I am too weak, I have no chance getting away" is not the way to think!

Self defence courses are really helpful. Screaming, fleeing (recommended), kicking, pushing are ways. Pepper spray, electric shocker,-effective but could be a bit of a hassle to bring everywhere to go.

I think women/men must give their all by fighting back no matter how big and strong or how many rapist there are to protect their honour at all cost. At least the victim had created a chance for help to come or 'turn off' the rapist

I think it's way easier said than done. I 'freeze' when I see a cockroach I know will not be able to harm me. But will I have the courage to fight back if it tries to rob my dignity? I don’t know. I hope I would. But I do know that I am stronger than I think I am (since the human body is capable of amazing feats, which I haven’t harness it's full potential yet). I do underestimate my body and I am frequently surprised at how tough it actually is (surpassing my own expectation). The human body is no doubt, AMAZING. Maybe mind over body does work?
I think it's perfectly normal to be scared. Just an automatic reaction. But ppl can consciously overcome it with some confident.
But even knowing tat men are not tat scary-A lady in tutorial mentioned when she walks down a deserted street at night, and a men walks towards/behind her, she still feels scared. I would too. She also said she feels scared even when she's home alone and always checking whether her doors and windows are locked. The class later discuss tat if a rapist does come, realistically, she would still have the advantage since there's so many hard and sharp objects around. Without light, she will also have an edge coz she knows the location better.

Is tat y women want, need men so much? To protect them so they won't hv to live in tat fear? (Even fearing when they are at home). Is nowhere in the world safe anymore for women? Don't they realise the strength the human body they possess is capable of? (I think whoever created us, was not bias in making men stronger so they could oppress the weaker one, maybe anatomically it is the case, but I don't think it will make tat much difference. Even though the female body is weaker, doesn't mean it's not capable of putting up a fight with men. Women just don't train it, while the men keep training theirs, making them comparatively more and more powerful). Don't they realise that male's power is exaggerated and their own (women) is underestimated? Don't they know they can fight for themselves? Don't they know they don't need a man to fight for them? Don't they know they do not have to be dependant on men? Do women want to live in fear for the rest of their life? (Or maybe they are so used to it they don’t want things to stay the same).
Julius Caesar, facing death, said "it's rather to die once than to constantly fear". I think he does make a point.
I don’t know how women would think, but I think doesn’t matter boy/gal, everyone likes to feel protected & safe. Just human nature I think.

So, would I rather die fighting or be raped & live? I think living my life ever haunted by the experience, living in fear, no body dignity, troubled relationships, struggling with who u are, feeling dirty all the time,..... isn't much worth living at all. I rather die fighting (aiming for the penis since I probably hv no chance taking him down the 'man way'!!). At least after I do survive after raped, I would not feel so bad coz I have tried my best to protect my dignity. I think I would not kill myself even after being raped. I would surely take revenge by going to the police.
I don't know... maybe I will just be so scared that I couldn't move. Hope that's not who I am.

It's also important to realise that not women only fall victims to rape, but men do, and the destruction could have the same degree as women. Since there is more to rape than just penetration, losing control of oneself and being controlled by another men is ego-wise- super destructive aka 'no face'. The ego (culture made)is so important to a man that it is seen by men as part of what being a men is.

Besides, it's important to know statistically, most rape cases are not stranger rape (maybe victims too shamed to report?), but acquaintance rape. When I think of rapist, I think of a sex maniac lurking in dark alleys. It seems this image is not so accurate. A lot of rapist (statistically) are relatives, boyfriends, ppl u know, parents, siblings... So scary. I'm not sure whether girls should carry pepper sprays when dating wiv bf. Maybe they should? since ppl are often wrong in judging ppl, which is so dangerous! (Psychology class learn 1).

It's so sad to know of the aftermath of the rape, women are blamed for the rape ('u asked for it'; 'u should know better than to go out so late'). Women blame themselves too ('I shouldn't go there'; 'I could have....'; 'Why did I......').

"In a study of acquaintance rape survivors (Wiehe & Richards, 1995), 97 percent informed at least one close confidant. The percentage of women who informed the police was drastically lower, at 28 percent. A still smaller number (twenty percent) decided to prosecute. Koss (1988) reports that only two percent of acquaintance rape survivors report their experiences to the police. This compared with the 21 percent who reported rape by a stranger to the police. The percentage of survivors reporting the rape is so low for several reasons. Self-blame is a recurring response which prevents disclosure. Even if the act has been conceived as rape by the survivor, there is often an accompanying guilt about not seeing the sexual assault coming before it was too late." (from the site mentioned above).

In conclusion. I think men are not that strong women are not that weak & dignity is sooo important. By fighting back, I believe it will deter rapist and wannabes to do wat they want.


PS. Some1 pointed out:- In consensual sex, when women say 'Yes' to a men, it seems as if they are handing over their body to the men. Shows that we are so 'sucked in' to the social construct that women & the vagina are passive & weak; and the men are the one who's able to penetrate & strong. This is so disempowering to women.

PS. I think Spring is over (so fast) based on the Sakuras no longer pink (it looked so pretty!) but green now=Summer? Exams are within a fortni

It's spring already! The situtaion: trees got flowers, almost sunny everyday, warm, unwindy, no freezing wind from Antartica so far....
Winter this year has unnoticeably past. I hardly froze. Winter wasn't much different from autumn, temperature-wise. There wasn't as much frost every morning as last year. No snow-capped mountains in Dunedin and no snow in town (bummer!). Overall, winter was uninteresting.

Unsuspectingly, it's been 1 year since I started this blog. I never thought it would be so soon and I only posted 20 posts so far!

I have been in NZ studyin at Uni for 2.5years+. In this post, I plan to type what i think of my experience studying in the place which makes many parents beaming with pride!---

Uni.
-Is Uni a place to babysit teens who can't grow? (I heard that from Futurama).
Is it just a waste of my time? I'll be takin altogether 4 years+ of my life on something which society don't value: Psychology and Philosophy. Anyone can learn that by themselves by reading books and doing research. What's the point? Am i paying thousands to Uni to be a whiplash for me to study? Besides that, I'll be forgetting most of what I studied (I can't even remember much of what I studied last year!).

Speaking of which, I sometimes feel reading, watching a movie, playing a game, talking with ppl..... a waste of time coz I wont be able to remember it anyway. It's like when ppl asked about whether a movie/book/wateva is good or not, all I can say is simply "it was a good" but struggled to think what the thing was about!

-Back to my topic. I think if I need a bright and forseeable career (& future), meaning- get money for all the creature comfort i drool for (plasma TV, super computer, futuristic home, around the world tickets...~~drool~~), then it seems more worthwhile to spend 3 years or more studying practical (in society) stuff-Health Sciences, Engineering, Commerce, Cooking, Mechanicaling, Designing.....(coz they teach more than theory, id est, hands-on experiences). Sometimes I wished I was in polytechnic school where a job is more assured after a diploma.
But what job can I get with just a BA?

After thinking of those questions, my answer is: I'm glad to be in Uni. It's the experience. Being independant step by step, yet not stepping into the working world so soon. Studying BA is not that useful to find a job. But what I gain most from is umm... 'intelligence? wisdom?? maturity? how the world works? satisfy my eagerness to learn very very interesting stuff?'. But no doubt, it has change the way I think (is it called wiser or weirder?).

Maybe the changes in my thinking is actually from ppl I met; from mistakes I make; or do ppl just get smarter and maturer when they reach a certain age? I think it's just a combo of this & that. I think I've grown coz I'm comparing the 'old me' with the 'now me' which is so different. I bet my old frens will be surprised when i go back!

-Uni is one of the best place where I could befriend amazing people, eg. adults & foreigners. There are many things to learn from different people. Not only their cultures, but their values (like how they treat ppl), thinking, general knowledge etc. Unlike Secondary School, people I get to know here are more mature and wise. It's just 'enlightening' to listen to what others think. Besides, goin to church and listenin sermons is one of the best way to learn how to live life, which i think is to be good.

I wonder, if I was working instead of being here, maybe the ppl I know would be the colleagues I see everyday. I wouldn't even hv the freedom and time to befriend them too. However I think the working place is not really a good place to make friends coz I heard from adults tat ppl can really hurt u/betray u for their self-interest in work.


-Since Uni has so much free time (around 20 hrs only of lectures and tutorials per week), it is also the best time to think of all sorts of things. Like what to do and how to spend the rest of my life. If I was to work after Sec School, when I was much ignorant and childish, I'm pretty sure I'll end up 'screwing' my whole life. The 'old me' wouldn't think as much as the 'now me' before jumping. I've learnt so much- from listening to people's mistakes (& hopefully avoid); from the many ppl I respect and admire by learning to be more like them.

-Besides, studying in Uni is fun (coz i'm enjoying what I study now) compared to working. The freedom (from parents and there's no autonomy of teachers over student here); the 'innocence'; the relationships(hanging out with frens); the time (can lepak anytime, can sleep as long as u want...when i work, i will hv to give ownership of my time to my boss-better enjoy it while time is still mine~!); the learnings (in life and cool knowledge). Also, it's awesomely cool goin to classes with books in ur hand & spending all ur day goin to lectures & studying (supposedly). It's so cool to be a student!

-Have I really grow up mentally? (Physically, a bit I think. I'm glad the pimple prone days are over!!) Anyway, being more maturer and knowing more has made me super arrogant. I look down on ppl (especially adults) who act pointlessly & who act what I see as immoral & whothink childishly (esp adults). I always like to think that I'm superior (in terms of moral, skills, smartness,..) to a lot of ppl. Really shows how desperate I am to satisfy my ego (since I hv so little ability tat i can boast about & also there's ALWAYS someone better than me in EVERY EVERY SINGLE way!). But despite that, I'm pretty sure I didn't grow smaller or become childisher.

oh ya, I found that I'm a sophomore. It's so cool that there's a special term for 2nd year Uni students which sounds cool..! sigh~~ sophomore no more after a few months.... Although I dont feel so now, but I'm sure after time goes on, I will miss today and this year. I felt this way a few years ago, and now, I really do miss the good old days which i didn't like before. Maybe everything becomes sweeter in memory.

In the future, I will surely miss all the joys (which I unlikely to ever have again) being a student and being young.......

Been watching a lot of movies lately. The ones I watched in the cinema this year was : Hitch (v good), Incredibles (pretty & entertaining), Batman Begins (interesting & surpassed my expectation), Fantastic 4 (unimpressed & hardly impacted me), Steam Boy (not bad, but story not my cup of tea). That's all I could remember.
I have watched "Mean Girls" in the library. Our uni has an area with lotsa TVs and we can borrow the many quality movies available and watch it on the spot. Best of all, it's FOC. Btw, there's even Hong Kong movies, Bollywood films, and other films from different countries.

"Mean Girls" has become one of my favourite teen flicks I have seen.
It has many layers to it and the meanings are explained in details in the Bonus Feature sections. There are many teen psychological elements (eg. "why do ppl continue to stay in groups who treat them badly?").
The filmmakers says the movie mirrors reality. It introduces ppl to the 'girl world' & how girls settle their arguments sneakily- eg. showing that they like u, where in their hearts, they hate u.
Girls are so interesting!

What I learnt was there's a belief that girls actually hate each other! (is tat true? anyone can tell me?) "Women would have run the world if they did not hate each other" (Chris Rock, cited by movie maker). Besides, the messages the film makers wanted to convey : be yourself & girls can be at peace with one another!
The film makers said: ppl want to belong to a group (a girl wants to be thought as a girl) -> Society sets the standard or qualification to enter that group (if u don't have long hair or makeup u r not a girl) -> If ppl think if the things they do to get themselves into the group, reflects their true self (if i hv long hair, I am a girl) -> They sacrifice 'who they really are'.
In other words, according to the filmmaker, we have to pay a price to belong to a group. The price : ourselves. I think what they want to say is not following the requirements to be a girl (or anything) does not mean u r not a girl (or anything), it's only in society's eye which disagree with the facts. But it is sad when ppl -who wants to be themselves but in the meantime don't fulfil the requirements to be in the group- are alienated ane considered freaks just bcoz of being different & not followin social norms.

In a sociology lecture, we learnt that we manipulate (or manage) ourselves to satisfy social expectations, eg. showing ppl that I am nice like during-a job interview, meeting a date, meeting the in-laws...... The metaphor for social interaction: Frontstage & Backstage. We do our preparation at Backstage; and presentation at Frontstage. Shakespeare: "the world is a stage and we are merely players". Even this blog is my presentation to other ppl. There is a backstage which I will never show. Someone in class asked: But do we still present ourselves when we are with close friends? Lecturer: In general, ya.
But how about with family at home? (I didn't ask him).

I'll be repeating wat I said in my last post just coz it's seems so important to me. I EXTREMEly admire those who could just be theirself & not caring what other ppl think (i wonder whether those kind of ppl exist or not). For me, it's a super-duper hard thing to do. However, I have to keep in mind of the consequences! My friend once told me: "there's a limit of being oneslf. We know we have crossed the line if by expressing ourselves we offend/hurt others. Eg. talking loudly in library, wearing shirts with profanities,.... "
There was also one thing I learnt from "Save the last dance" (another favourite meaningful teen flick): "Other people exists". Another limit I think is the old saying "in Rome, do as the Romans".

In conclusion, it's so hard live in society without losing myself.

What have I done since I stop updating this blog......

-Study:
JUNE
Early June: Preparing 4 exams. To be precise, the time i slept in library & home surpasses the time i was awake (but I'm not suffering from narcolepsy!).

Mid June:4 exams spread in 1 week. I thought i did so well that I was afraid I'd score too high.

End June: Results came out. I overestimated myself. No fails.Passed Marketing by 1 point. Psychology only C+! Which means I have a very slim chance to further my studies in Clinical Psychology (not really aiming for it though, but still an option!), where only around 10 of the whole psychology graduates who applied are chosen.

JULY
2nd Semester: Decided to change my major. I've dropped tourism and aiming for a double major in Psychology & Philosphy. Commerce is so not for me.
I'm enjoyin what I'm studying. This semester I'm taking 4 papers :
Psychology: Brain & Cognition (mainly anatomy of brain..yawn..);
Philosophy: Logic (had trouble graspin it. It's a bit like Maths but replacing numbers with letters);
Gender: Introduction to Feminist Theory (novel to me, pretty exciting);
Religion: Women & Religion (so interesting..).

Now, my intention of studying is not longer to get a job, but to learn more of what's important,relevant,& interesting to me.
I guess that also means my future profession will be so uncertain. I probably won't be getting a high prospect job, but my uncertain future makes me afraid, yet excites me.
I do see myself working a 'low class' job & earning $10/hr & paying back my student loan for many years! Actually, I don't find that so bad. I get to relax and be laid back! Bad thing is I won't be able to afford for too many creature comfort & other stuffs.

-Personal:
JUNE
Cut all my hair myself (with a pair of scissors) for the first time! The most I used to cut in sec sch was only my fringe.
The handiwork was... um....ewww! The worst haircut I ever had. Majority's reaction was :"ha-ha". Many kindly volunteered to fix my 'masterpiece', while others advised me to hide it from public (which I would hv done when i was younger).
I think it is sad that so many people try so hard to hide what they think is unbeautiful.
I don't seem to see the point of the effort of being eye candy to every person on the street, but yet I seem to do so oftenly. Maybe I'm afraid people will think "look at that ugly/rude/bad boy, i don't like him". However, i do think appearance is important in many professions to give a good impression/be liked by employers, customers, patients.....

Speaking of which, I was reminded of what was said in the movie Hitch. It's when Hitch talked to the pretty girl at the end of the movie: "would u give him(the unattractive guy) a chance or even notice him, if not for the opportunity created?" (it's sth like that, i forgot the exact dialog). Reminded me how 'surface' ppl (includin moi) are. I bet real life 'beauty & the beast' case are rare.

Anyway, after chatting with a friend, I learnt there is a boundary to everything we do. He told me: "There's nothing wrong having an ugly haircut, but should not go too far by getting a haircut which could be offensive". Besides that, I, like him, also much admire people who hv the courage to look bad and be themselves.

Mid June:
Holiday for 3 weeks.

Late June: Went to church camp at Gore. Really nice to hv a vacation and getting out of Dunedin. The camp was very worthwhile. So many lessons learnt. Get to know a few church members better as well. Not to forget, good Malaysian food!

JULY
Din achieve much. Relaxed most of the time.

Late- July: My bday!


Hope I have the willpower to post what i interestingly learnt in psychology last semester for I certainly hope not to forget it!

I'm 20 today (July27 sounds so nice). Yay!
So far, I have not known anyone who has their birthday today (just found out Eason Chen today bday too). Anyway, it was not until I came to Dunedin, that I had a more proper birthday (maybe I did when I was small).

Who am I?
According to World Health Organisation, an adolescence/teenager is one who's 10-20 years old. So does that make me a teenager? Maybe I'm still stuck at the adolescence period. According to Wikipedia, the word 'adolescence' comes from Latin 'to grow up'- which I am now doing.

Or maybe I'm no more a teen? According to a cool article in TIME, there's a global trend of twixters. Twixters are people in their 20s who can't grow up and still live their lives as if they were in their teenage years. It's something like Boy/Girl -> Twixter -> Adult. They are in between teen and adulthood. A better illustration would be Britney's "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Women". That means some ppl hv to go through one extra phase.

Overall, being 20 sure does not make me feel I'm an adult, no matter how the world defines me. But I'm not sure whether I'm a twixter yet, but I know I still feel like a boy.

References:
http://webserve.govst.edu/users/ghrank/Advertising/ABCs/twixters.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teenager

PS. Might try update this blog more often!